The Defining Decade

The book is for people in their 20’s. Written by Meg Jay, a clinical psychologist sharing her experience as a counsellor. It is meant to provide people in their 20s with some direction in their life. The book is all about Jay’s experience as a clinical psychologist seeing people in their 30s and 40s who are hamstrung by having a “lack of vision” in their 20s. Through research and anecdotes Meg Jay advocates for being intentional about how you spend your twenties. Contrary to the contemporary culture which says that twentysomething years don’t matter. In fact, 20’s is the most defining decade of adulthood.

What defines a good life? and is there any formula for that?………. sorry guys there is NONE. But there are choices and consequences. The twentysomethings should know about the ones that lie ahead. The nicest part about getting older is knowing how your life worked out, especially if you like what you wake up to every day. If you are paying attention to your life as a twentysomething, the real glory days are still to come.

SO HERE ARE JAY’S ADVICES: The advice is in the tree key zones of our life…. WORK, LOVE, BRAIN AND BODY.

We start with the zone of WORK.

IDENTITY CAPITAL:

Identity capital is our collection of personal assets. From skills we have to professional resources, etc. some are personal and others professional.

“Some identity capital goes on a résumé, such as degrees, jobs, test scores, and clubs. Other identity capital is more personal, such as how we speak, where we are from, how we solve problems, how we look.”

Identity capital is all about building ourselves bit by bit, over time.

Adults don’t emerge. They are made.
— Kay Hymowitz

We are born not all at once, but by bits.
—Mary Antin

In your twenties, take the job with the most identity capital. Twenty somethings who take the time to explore and also have the nerve to make commitments along the way construct stronger identities. They have higher self-esteem and are more persevering and realistic. Instead of working right out of college slow down and take your time to build the other spectrum of your identity capital. INVEST IN YOURSELF……. build the most relationships, learn the most, grow the most. NOT necessarily make the most money.

WEAK TIES:

Wow can anything that is weak be helpful. Yessssss says the author…… especially in the job market. A large network of weak ties gives you the broadest reach and greatest perspective,

“Information and opportunity spread farther and faster through weak ties than through close friends because weak ties have fewer overlapping contacts. Weak ties are like bridges you cannot see all the way across, so there is no telling where they might lead.”

Our weak tie relationships open up doors to entirely new networks, which can help us tap into opportunities we did not even know existed. Build as many as possible and draw on the strength of weak ties.

[Those] deeply enmeshed in [a close-knit group] may never become aware of the fact that their lives do not actually depend on what happens within the group but on forces far beyond their perception.
— Rose Coser

THE UNTHOUGHT KNOWN:

We all have “unthought knowns.” Things we know but have never thought of. Its just like “Follow your dreams!”  “Reach for the stars!”. The author points out that the twenty something generation is raised on such abstract commands. Things that are known but not clearly thought of. The Unthought Known. This generation often don’t know much about how to get these things done. They don’t know how to get what they want or, sometimes, even what they want.

Introspect and try to find What do you want deep down, but don’t know how to get, or are afraid you’ll fail.

MY LIFE SHOULD LOOK BETTER ON FACEBOOK:

Oh my God. This is so on the target and typically defines the twentysomething. When assessing or pursuing our own happiness, we often do so by comparing ourselves to other people. This comparison-focused mindset makes it more challenging to be happy. Its not about the search for glory. Facebook or any other social media platforms where the twenty something share themselves naturally calls one that our lives ought to look a lot better than they do.

Scrambling after ideals, we become alienated from what is true about ourselves and the world. Stop focusing on glory or impressing other people, focus on what you want to do with your life.

“If we only wanted to be happy, it would be easy; but we want to be happier than other people, which is almost always difficult, since we think them happier than they are.”
– Charles de Montesquieu

THE CUSTOMIZED LIFE:

It is some advice regarding establishing a professional identity by claiming our interests and talents, then the next step is claiming a story about our interests and talents, a narrative we can take with us to interviews and coffee dates.

No matter what company or program someone applies to, a sort of game goes on. Interviewers want to hear a reasonable story about the past, present, and future. How does what you did before relating to what you want to do now, and how might that get you to what you want to do next?

Jay’s advice is all about developing these narratives and stories. You want your professional life to have a story, not just be a CV.

Here we begin with the zone of LOVE, RELATIONSHIP AND FASMILY.

AN UPMARKET CONVERSATION:

Popular magazines portray a twentysomething culture dominated by singles who are almost obsessed with avoiding commitment. But behind closed doors, I hear a different story. I have yet to meet a twentysomething who doesn’t want to get married or at least find a committed relationship.

Twentysomething spend more time single than any generation in history. We have pushed back the age of marriage too much. Even in their late 20’s youngsters are into the “hookup culture”.

Jay spoke to people in their 30s and they often regret they had not thought about serious relationships and marriage sooner. The authors advice is simple….. don’t be too much afraid about getting into a serious relationship and marriage early. Marriage is one of our defining moments because so much is wrapped up in it. With one decision you choose your partner in all adult things. Money, work, lifestyle, family, health, leisure , retirement, and even death becomes a three legged race.

PICKING YOUR FAMILY:

“Other things may change us, but we start and end with family”
— Anthony Brandt

THE COHABITATION EFFECT:

One assumption is easy to spot in the twentysomethings: Living together is a good test for marriage. This is a common misperception. Couples who live together before marriage tend to be less satisfied with marriage, and more likely to divorce. Slipping into living together out of convenience, then eventually deciding to get married. Something which the author calls “sliding not deciding”.

Your criteria for a “live in” will be lower than marriage, so you can end up in a suboptimal marriage.

BEING IN LIKE:

Studies have repeatedly found that couples who are similar in areas such as socioeconomic status, education, age, ethnicity, religion, attractiveness, attitudes, values, and intelligence are more likely to be satisfied with their relationships and are less likely to seek divorce.

Finding someone like you might seem easy, but there is a twist—not just any similarity will do. While people are good at matching themselves and others on relatively obvious criteria, such as age and education, it turns out that these qualities are what researchers call deal breakers, not match makers.

Deal breakers are your own personal sine qua non in relationships. They are qualities—almost always similarities—you feel are non-negotiable. One match maker to consider is personality. Personality is not about what we have done or even about what we like. It is about how we are in the world, and the way we handle everything we do.

Here the author also discusses the concept of THE BIG FIVE….. they refer to five factors that help us understand how a people interact with the world. The BIG FIVE are…….Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, Neuroticism.

For example: Being on the high end of the Neuroticism dimension is toxic for relationships. Choose wisely and patiently.

What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.
Leo Tolstoy

Here is the last zone of advice in the area of THE BRAIN AND THE BODY.

FORWARD THINKING:

Forward thinking doesn’t just come with age. It comes with practice and experience. In the twentysomething age our exposure and experiences teach us about regulating our emotions and negotiating complicated social interactions of the adult life. School requires you to solve clear problems laid before you, adult life requires adapting and finding answers in uncertain situations.

Author says that if in this age we engage our brain in good jobs and real relationships, then our brains are learning the language of adulthood. Large social networks can improve our brains by forcing us to communicate in a diversity of ways and better shape our beliefs.

The more you use your brain, the more brain you will have to use.
— George A. Dorsey

CALM YOURSELF:

“When twentysomethings have their competence criticized, they become anxious and angry. They are tempted to march in and take action.”

That generation has vulnerability to take things personally. The constant anxiety many people in this generation have may keep them constantly on the edge. Many people respond to it by escaping the situation or job or relationship. They quit.

Author advices the twentysomething to learn to calm down and realise that these little setbacks are not huge issues. And know that as we age, we feel less like leaves and more like trees. We have roots that ground us and sturdy trunks that may sway, but don’t break.

People who have some control over their emotions report greater life satisfaction, optimism, purpose, and better relationships with others.

GETTING ALONG AND GETTING AHEAD:

Our personalities change more during the twentysomething years than at any time before or after. We become more emotionally stable and less tossed around by life’s ups and downs. We become more socially competent. Positive personality changes come from what researchers call getting along and getting ahead.

Investments we make in work and love trigger personality maturation. Even simply having goals can make us happier and more confident. Outside of work, commitments to others also foster change and well-being.

Being single while you’re young may be glorified in the press but staying single across the twenties does not typically feel good.

Love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness.
— Sigmund Freud

DO THE MATH:

“The future isn’t written in the stars. There are no guarantees. So claim your adulthood. Be intentional. Get to work. Pick your family. Do the math. Make your own certainty. Don’t be defined by what you didn’t know or didn’t do. You are deciding your life right now.”

It is up to you to figure out what you want and pursue it aggressively. Invest in yourself, save some money and take good care of your relationships. Help them blossom and blossom with them. Be intentional, take action, and continue pushing forward even when life becomes incredibly difficult.

The book gives lot of insight into some very crucial aspects of getting into adulthood and claiming your life.

 Remember;

YOU ARE DECIDING YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW.